very, very nice. only one suggestion -- consider cutting out the word 'to' in the last line (for some unknown reason, it jars on my ear) and make it: 'this is where she wanted to be / but could never return / even/ in memory.' that would be more correct grammatically, but more importantly, it strikes me as more rhythmical. i know in what i'm suggesting the rhyme could seem too pat, fall too neatly, but i feel the breaks before and after 'even' luckily prevent that. anyway, just a thought...
very, very nice. only one suggestion -- consider cutting out the word 'to' in the last line (for some unknown reason, it jars on my ear) and make it: 'this is where she wanted to be / but could never return / even/ in memory.' that would be more correct grammatically, but more importantly, it strikes me as more rhythmical. i know in what i'm suggesting the rhyme could seem too pat, fall too neatly, but i feel the breaks before and after 'even' luckily prevent that. anyway, just a thought...
ReplyDelete